break down

I've been trying to catch up this weekend. So many wonderful things have happened the past week and a half, and a lot of really heartbreaking/frustrating things have also happened. To be honest I'm to frazzled to recall any of them, but I'm glad I experienced them. Last night I called one of the elders from my home church in Corpus to fill him in on our progress for leaving in January, which is not going to happen. Some might say, "now Tish, have some faith", but seriously, unless God miraculously transplants us there in January then it's not going to happen. When I say miraculously, I mean miraculously. Like walking on water miraculously. Anyway, he did not answer which was a bit of a relief and was really stressful all at the same time. I have been super stressed about talking to him, mainly because I have to say, "we're not ready". I'm ready to hear him say, "well, we're tired of waiting, you should be ready". What makes me feel this way? It's not anything he's said in the past, except for, "January is going to come quickly". I think that satan has taken that one little sentence and totally jacked my heart and my brain with it. We've been working on fundraising, citizenship, and visas for the past three+ months, but are not much further now than when we started. I am a go getter, and I feel like the fact that none of this is done is a poor reflection on me. Satan is using the way God made me to turn around and beat me down. I'm scared that this wonderful man of God and this wonderful church, who have always been nothing but encouraging, is going to desert us. I'm afraid that they are going to be disappointed in us. Disappointing people is what scares me more than anything else in the world. Just writing this is making me cry (for the second time in one day mind you, I think that's some sort of record). The screen is fuzzy through my tears, but I will press on!
So what have I been working on today? Well, I put together our little excel sheet showing who our ongoing and one time financial partners are. The list might be small, but it is an amazing reminder that there are people who agree that this journey is one that God alone has put us on. I'm grateful for those people. I also looked more in depth into money transfers from the U.S. to Australia, and wrote an email to XE.com asking them some questions. I wrote this ridiculously long email to a girl from Oklahoma who emailed me to ask what Matt and I will be doing in Australia. I probably scared that girl half to death, she's going to have to take a lunch break in the middle of reading the email because it's so long! I also talked with the man who is going to help us in our fundraising dinner on Friday night. He and his wife are going to be our hosts/MCs for the evening, it is very kind of them to help us out. That email correspondence led to the first wave of tears. He asked me what was expected of he and his wife on Friday, and while Matt and I have some ideas we did not have it totally figured out yet (this is the beginning of the whole letting people down thing...why haven't I been doing more to prepare?). I called our mentor Gary to get a better idea of what he's seen in the past. He gave me some wonderful ideas, and then I dropped the bomb that out of the twenty-ish invites we've sent out, only three people have RSVPd to say they are not coming. No one has said they are coming. Yeah, the tears came flooding through! I was trying to hold them back, and if I could have made it about thirty more seconds he never would have known. Yeah right, it's totally easy to tell when someone's crying on the phone, but I tried to fool myself. Since I was pretty confident that he could tell I was crying, I just let it all out. Deep gasps for air, snorting nose, the whole nine yards. I'd like to think he's used to it having a teenage daughter...let's hope so. Gary was very, very encouraging (as usual), and I managed to gain my composure. He said it will all be alright, which I do believe deep down inside. When I cry, it's not because I don't have hope and faith that this will happen. I cry because I have been giving my heart, my mind, and my time to things other than preparing to go. There are so many aspects of this journey that are only in God's hands, but there are a few that are totally in mine and I have let them slip right through. I'm so frustrated at myself for, I don't know, I guess being scared and therefore avoiding the tasks that have been set before me.
Everyone experiences trying to find the balance between what God calls us to trust Him to do and what He calls us to do ourselves, but I don't think people understand how much of a burden this is for people like me. Some people never really get what it feels like for your heart to feel like you have to keep EVERYTHING together even when your brain knows better. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, and every once in a while you can't keep it all together and you break down. That's me today...wave of tears number three. Now I'm sweaty and my nose is runny, but it is freeing. I'm sitting here breaking down before God, knowing that he will pick up these pieces and put them together like He does every time. Maybe this time though He'll leave out one of the little pieces that makes me feel like this all hinges on me. I'm tired of that feeling.

Thank goodness I'm young

So last Friday (like over a week ago, not four days ago) I left work and started my mission: to drive as much of the state, see as much of the family, and exhaust myself as much as possible. Okay, so I hoped to avoid the third one...but the first two are accurate. My sister, brother in law, and two nephews moved from Idaho to Bastrop (yipee!), last weekend, and I wanted to help them move into their new place. Keep in mind that I have not seen my nephews since last Christmas, so I was pretty eager to be with them! I left at 6:30ish on Friday night and got into Bastrop at 10:40ish. Not bad for a young lady on a Friday night, I was feeling good. I went to sleep immediately. My sister had put a futon mattress on the floor in the boys' room, and it was glorious. If you're wondering, futon mattresses are far more comfortable on the floor than on the chair. Saturday morning I woke up and started breaking down the many boxes my sister had already managed to empty the few days before. It was just the two of us and the boys in the house, because my bro in law, father, and uncle had left for Belton before I got up. They had to go get the rest of the "heavy" stuff. I would break down a few boxes, stop and read a chapter of Captain Underpants to the boys, and then break down a few more boxes. Around lunch time my sister and I took a Reader's Digest tour of the town, got lunch, and ran home with the boys. I then ate pizza, had a cup of coffee, and a slice of cake. After that I took a shower and left their house. I left at 3:15pm, so I was at my sister's for what, seventeen hours?
I left Bastrop for Carrollton, because my sister in law was having her ...th birthday party (she might not like me broadcasting it to the world) Her family and friends were going to be surrounding her, and I wanted to be there. The trip should have taken about four hours, but it rained the entire way! I'm not kidding, I might have had about five minutes with no rain. I can't complain though, a good bit of the state got rain that day! I got to Carrollton at about 8:30pm, just in time to see my sister in law blow out the candles on her beautiful birthday cake. My mother in law made it, and it was great! I ate dinner, chatted with my husband (who had driven in from Ballinger that same day, that's why we weren't together), had some cake, and tried to chill out a little. You should have seen my knuckles after driving through Dallas on a Friday night in the rain...it was interesting. The party was great, everyone left, and we went to sleep.
We got up Sunday morning for church. Matt and I were blessed to be able to spend some time with the missions committee at Farmer's Branch on Sunday morning after church, and tell them our story. Linda and Brett were very encouraging. We hope and pray that Farmer's Branch will be able to partner with us in one way or another, please pray about the possibilities that God will create! After church we met with some extended family for lunch, and then went back to Matt's sister's house to get our stuff packed up. We were there about eighteen hours. Matt and I left in separate cars toward home (that was a bummer). We got back into Abilene just in time to meet with our brothers and sisters in faith at our home gathering, which was great. I was tired, but I want to soak up every moment and special occasion with family that I can. Thank goodness I'm young, and thank goodness God gives me strength that is beyond measure.

Who has time for another story? This Saturday we were blessed by our friends Chris, Hasina, Stephanie, and The Brew coffee shop here in Abilene. The Brew offered to give our team a portion of their profits from 6-10pm on Saturday. We gathered, set up an information table, met people, drank coffee, played games, and had a blast! We ended up making a some money, telling people what God is doing in our lives, encouraging others that anything is possible, meeting new friends, and blessing the coffee shop with a very busy night. Thanks to everyone who played an important part in Saturday's events.

Summit, Enchiladas, and Roast

Many good things happened last week...so there is some catching up to do. Last week ACU held their annual "Summit". It's like a week of classes and lectures that people can come to. It's a great opportunity to catch up on new books, new ideas, meet people, be refreshed, etc. I went on Tuesday morning and helped man the Halbert Institute booth. That was fairly uneventful, but then I got to go to a lecture afterward. A gentleman who studies and writes about spiritual practices of the early church led it, and it was wonderful! I'm a brain person, I think much more than I feel. However, my spirit has felt a little dry lately, and I have seen time and time again recently how God is calling me to just physically be with him. That might sound strange, but I can't think of a better way to put it! Maybe you can comment and give me some ideas of what you think I might mean.
The team got together on Tuesday night and worked on our "strategy". We don't like that word much, because it sounds like we're planning exactly what we're going to do in Australia while we are still here, and hell or high water are going to see it through. That's not the case at all. We're working on a plan that says, "Here are some things I think I hear God telling me to do when I'm in Australia. If after so many years there is no fruit from that, I will stop and pray about what else it is that God might want me to do". Tuesday was actually a really wonderful night, because we allowed ourselves the freedom to stop thinking so big picture for a little while and say, "Okay, what really specific things do you want to do in Australia?" We got to dream big!
Enchiladas...On Friday night Deborah N. had the women of Halbert who have done church planting in the past and us women who will be moving in the future to her house for dinner. We had a blast! She made this wonderful dinner and we all ate, talked, told stories, and laughed. Those women have so many amazing stories to share, and we just got to sit and take them all in. They went to different countries at much different times than we will be, so it was good to hear about the things they faced and think about how those will be different or the same than what we will face. She is an amazing woman for investing the time and energy into allowing us all a place to come together and share life.
Roast...This Sunday the team got together again for dinner and to work on the strategy some more. You might recall a post I wrote a few months ago where I talked about how our team is growing in friendship. Sometimes that means we are awkward around each other, running out of things to say and things like that. I have to say, Sunday night was a total different group than that one in the past! It was wonderful, we were honest about things on our hearts and didn't get our feelings hurt or get uptight. We talked, laughed, and worked together to clean up the kitchen. I know we still have a long way to go, but we have moved forward in leaps and bounds! I was really encouraged by our time together.
Matt and I got turned down by another church on Sunday night, which was disappointing. Like I've said many times before though, at least they let us know their response! If you know of any churches interested in helping our family with fundraising, or are interested in helping us yourself, please comment to this post and I will be more than happy to talk with you and share more about our needs.

Fundraising...not so fun. Skype...so fun!

I've adopted a bit of a motto these days: fundraising is not fun and it does not raise your spirits. I thought the play on words was really catchy! Fundraising is very tedious, it can get you excited at the slightest smidgen of a possibility that someone will help you out, then leaves you in a whimpering mess on the floor when the smidgen is thrown to the floor and stepped on. Okay, so that's terribly dramatic, but it's kind of accurate! However, we know that God has a very cool plan behind how hard this is. I can't wait for the day when I get to write that story in my blog! That's pretty unrelated to the next set of events, but I just wanted to throw that out there.
Last weekend (over a week ago, not a few days ago) Matt and I finalized our September newsletter and got an address list together of people that we know and love from the church we attend in Abilene. Since our church will not be able to help support us on an ongoing basis, we are going to seek the ongoing support of our individual brothers and sisters there. Our list consists of about sixty-five families. Friday night I got off work and went to Wal-Mart. I'm not a fan of Wal-Mart, the produce is generally bad, the selection of different things I like is limited, and it's just a general place of chaos and commotion. I much prefer going to HEB, but I had to get a printer cartridge. Let's keep in mind that the ONLY reason I went to Wal-Mart is because I needed a printer cartridge. I made this my "big shop" of the month as we like to call it, and got a lot of food and toiletries. I got two cartons of ice cream like normal, because I can't ever decide. I also got a twelve pack of 8 oz. coca-cola, because I was going to cook a frozen pizza that night and you can't have pizza without coke. When I left Wal-Mart, it was raining pretty good. I ran out to my car and started loading it as fast as I could. The carton of cokes opened up and they fell into the trunk and onto the ground. I ran after the little can that was rolling away down the asphalt, and managed to save it before getting hit by a truck going down the aisle. One of the cans fell rather smashingly on my loaf of bread, which was sad. I conquered the mess though and got it all in the trunk. I hopped in the car and started to drive home in the rain. About three minutes from Wal-Mart I realized that I forgot the one thing that took me there...printer cartridges. Needless to say I was pretty sad, but I had the ice cream in the trunk and I hate frothy, melted ice cream! I was also a bit on the annoyed side, so I decided that I would go home, eat pizza, watch a movie, and then go to Wal-Mart after that. I must also make it clear that I pretty much refuse to go to Wal-Mart from about 8am-9pm, so that's why I couldn't just go the next morning. The chaos is even greater during normal hours. I did just that, ate the pizza and watched "Phoebe in Wonderland", it was amazingly strange. I loved it! After that, I went back up to Wal-Mart and got the ink cartridges, labels, and envelopes. Saturday morning I woke up, ready to print and stuff envelopes. I got the laptop hooked up to the printer. I guess I should mention that it was an empty printer...and there was no paper in sight. I looked in all the usual places, and found no paper. Really?!? After all the drama I did not have any paper? I decided I would just do the labels in the meantime, and print the letters later that afternoon. Apparently I live in the twilight zone, because our Avery labels would not match up with the Avery template in our computer, and I printed about three different sheets of labels before giving up on them being really messed up. Plan B or C(I've lost count by this point), just print the addresses on the envelopes. This worked like a charm, and I printed the return address on at the same time I printed the receivers' addresses on. Later that afternoon I went and got some paper, and the letters turned out really well. I got them all stuffed on Sunday and Monday, and had them in the mail on Tuesday. Talk about drama, I hope the invitations are not so crazy!
On yet another unrelated note, Matt and I used Skype for the first time last night. There is a family that has moved to Wollongong, Australia to do the same thing as us in Ipswich. They have been there about nine months. It's very interesting, their situation is just like mine and Matt's, but switched between the spouses. She was an Australian who married a U.S. citizen, and Matt is the Aussie who married me. We had the most AMAZING conversation with them for an hour! We got to ask them about visas and citizenship, culture shock, grocery shopping, friendships they're building, what they're doing with their time, how their team is working together, the list goes on and on. They asked us what books we're reading, how our team is doing, what our timeline is, etc. They got to affirm that pretty much everything Gary is teaching us about culture shock is accurate, which is both exciting and humbling. I think we'd all like to think deep down inside that we're above it, that we will be able to adjust better than people have in the past for some reason (maybe that's just my pride talking). They made it clear that no, we will not get around it! The woman also affirmed our assumptions that the person who will probably have the hardest time adjusting will be Matt, since he lived there when he was young. For the rest of us things will be new and exciting, but for him things will just be different than he knew as a child. The changes will be harder for him to take. We also got to listen to them share their frustrations, worries, and joys in a safe atmosphere. Since we're training on what they're going through, they can say things honestly without leading us to worry that they want to come back or regret what they're doing. They're just trying to get by in a world that has been turned upside down! I felt so refreshed and encouraged when we were done talking with them, I can't emphasize how amazing it was. I hope they were blessed by our conversation as well.

let's get all sudsy

I wish I was wise, really wise, "Solomon" wise. I wish I always knew the right thing to say, and just when to say it. I wish that pearls of wisdom rolled off my tongue like I was the biggest oyster in the world. There are a few things I want to be remembered for when I'm no longer on this earth, and the top two are probably being faithful to God and people, and being wise.
I guess part of that whole wanting to be wise thing stems from the fact that I'm a fixer. I'm a detail oriented, assertive, organized woman, and I want to fix things. People who fix things should generally be wise, so there you go.
Why do I bring this up? Thanks for asking, it's because I'm surrounded by people whose lives are twisted, torn, and spit out on the floor. Whether it was their decision or not, they're trapped in a world of self hurt and hurting others, and I hate it. I want to be able to say, "this is how God can heal this situation", have them listen and do the things I suggest, and be healed. That of course means that I assume I always know what God wants for people...and I don't...so that part needs a little tweaking. Anyway, I wish I was wiser so that I could help people more. I guess part of that will come with age, and a lot of it will come from asking for it from God with a humble heart. Speaking of humble heart, let's talk about bullies.
I do not like it when people assume that they are better than others. I don't like it when people make fun of the marginalized, or don't include outsiders because they "don't belong". I have never really been bullied myself, I guess I was raised to be way too confident and intimidating for that. I also think that God has given me a spirit of confidence that I could not attain on my own. However, not everyone is like that. Therefore, quit being a bully! In the Kajukembo classes I teach, respect and a humble attitude are at the top of the list of things I want to instill in my students. If you can't learn those things in a place where you're also learning to kick and punch, you're asking for trouble! I hate seeing kids who are bullies...but what I think I might hate even more is seeing adults who are bullies. If you have not grown out of making fun of people, then you have some serious issues! If the only thing that makes you feel like a decent human being is being indecent to those around you, then I really feel sorry for you. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with a little playful banter among friends. However, being mean for the sake of making another person feel like less of a human being than you is sick and evil. It's time for some grown ups I know to start acting like it. It's time for me to not be the most mature person in a room when I'm surrounded by people older than me. It's time for people who say they follow Christ to start living out love toward others. It's time for me to listen to my own words, don't worry about that. It's also time for some other people to as well though. Here's my thought on it, God is the creator of all so He can love and judge perfectly. However, we as humans are not capable of the same. We are much better and judging and a lot worse at loving. Therefore God says, "Okay, you need to practice love, and you can't focus on two things at the same time. Therefore, I want you to love and not judge". Are we going to listen?

The Three Stooges

there were birds everywhere!
This weekend, my sister, mom, and I met up in Horseshoe Bay (funny title, huh?). We didn't really realize until we got there that it was right at a four hour trip for each of us, which worked out really well. We wanted to take a chance to just hang out with each other without spouses and children around. We needed some girl time!
The resort we went to was the Horseshoe Bay Marriott Resort, and it was beautiful. The different pools and restaurants of the resort were spread out among a few miles, so golf carts and passenger vans took us everywhere we needed to go. On Friday night we ate dinner at a great restaurant overlooking Lake LBJ, then we sat in the Caprock Pool for about an hour chatting. When we got back to the hotel we walked around the grounds for a while...and they were amazing! The art and landscaping that surrounds the hotel were amazing in the dark, we could not wait to see it all during the day!
On Saturday my mom got a massage for her birthday, a treat from her daughters. Anita and I ate breakfast and got ready to go while she was gone. Then we went and sat on the man made beach for...well, most of the day! I love the beach, but I hate the salt water. Switch out said saltwater with lake water and I'm a happy girl! I got to spend a little time reading more of one of the many books that have been assigned to our team (thanks Gary!), it's called The Case for Christ. It's about a journalist who set out to debunk the existence/purpose/history of Christ. I was reading in the chapter where he interviewed a Jewish Christian, and it was by far the most interesting chapter so far. The book is getting better the more I read!
Saturday night we got dressed up and ate at one of the fancier restaurants at the resort, I had great slow cooked short ribs with polenta and seasonal vegetables...and orange truffle cheesecake with ganache for dessert. Have I ever mentioned that ganache is one of my favorite things in the world? You could put it on top of just about anything and make it taste like a million bucks!

Saturday night I walked around the hotel and took some pictures of all the cool stuff I saw on Friday night, but the camera (probably actually the photographer!) was not at the top of its game. I didn't get the best shots, but I still got some good ones.Saturday night we watched some movies and then hit the hay.
Sunday we ate breakfast at a golf course that had been skunked the night before. I don't know exactly how it happened, but they said a skunk got under the floor and did its magic (wording my own, who really talks like that besides me?) Anyway, we ate our breakfast outside to avoid the smell, and the food was great. After that we went back to the hotel and played golf...well, miniature golf. It was like putt putt, but with actual putting greens and no clowns opening and closing their mouths. It was really neat, I felt like Tiger Woods (but poorer and much less talented). After that? You guessed it, we went down to the beach again and sat around! It was wonderful, I really loved it down there. That night we ate dinner together and then my sister Anita had to leave. Her little boy started kindergarten today, and she needed to be there with him. How exciting, and a little scary, for all of them. Mom and I watched a few more movies (well, I watched them and she fell asleep!) and then hit the hay again. This morning she and I ate breakfast and then said our goodbyes as well. I came home to a husband who has been doing many much needed and much appreciated odd jobs like getting our closet light to work (thanks also to Aaron, sorry I was so bossy about you coming as soon as possible. I was tired of taking a flashlight into the closet to see my clothes!) I also came home to a dog who has had projectile diarrhea for the past three days. We think the combo of having other dogs in our home for the past two weeks and me being gone for three days might have had some stressful effects on him! Usually when I'm gone Matt is too, so he's kind of used to how all of that works. When I just up and left though, we think he got a little confused and worried! Who knows, I just hope he doesn't get sick again (like I can complain, Matt's been cleaning up after him!)
My sister, mom, and I had a great time. We talked about growing up, marriage, divorce, the future, our friends, our family, money, etc. It was great to share our hearts with one another in a slow paced, relaxed environment. I'm grateful to my mom for treating my sister and I to such a wonderful weekend.

the fountain near one of the pools

the view from our room

How many boxes of kleenex are we going to go through?!?

Last weekend we had an amazing time in College Station. No, we weren't running around in our A&M t-shirts...we were participating in our second to last module through Halbert. Last weekend was a family/supporter weekend. Our team, a team moving to Thailand in about a month, our financial supporters, and our parents all gathered in College Station for a weekend of catching up. We got to College Station on Friday evening, and then the Thailand team and our team gave our presentations to the crowd. It was a good opportunity for our parents to see what we show to churches when we visit them, and to just get a better idea of what we're planning to do in Australia. We talk about it here and there with them, but they don't get to hear our day in and day out conversations about it.
The tears started Friday night. I didn't cry, but my eyes watered. Me, the girl who doesn't cry! I got emotional telling my story...partly because it's been a stinking seven year process and partly because I'm so excited! The possibilities are endless in Ipswich, and my brain can't wrap itself around them all. I'm super excited. The tears started again on Saturday morning. We have Gary to thank for those! He was going through a powerpoint that showed the adjustment process that we will experience, and telling the families and supporters the best way to help us deal with those adjustments. It was an emotional time because he was in essence saying, "your kids are about to leave, and when they come back they're going to be a lot different than when they left", and that was hard for parents to take! There was a lot more to what Gary said...I don't want him to think that's all anyone got out of it! That was just kind of the snapping point for a few people. I also don't want it to sound like I don't think it was valid for parents to get upset at that, because it totally was. Before I dig myself into a bigger hole, I'll continue! The toughness of that conversation led to a time when all of us team members had to leave the room, and the parents just got to debrief a little. Apparently it was an amazing time when they all got to be honest, I hope they all got a lot out of it.
Crying station number three was our time alone with our parents to share how they've blessed our lives. You can imagine how that went! I've always felt encouraged by my family, but we've never been a, "hey, way to go" kind of group. All I can say is that those thirty or so minutes with Matt, Leonie, and my dad was one of the most amazing times of sharing I've ever experienced...in my life. I will never forget it. The evening ended in some amazing chicken fajitas and Snickers ice cream bars, mmmmmm.
Thanks so much to my dad for coming to College Station. Thanks to A&M COC for feeding us and hosting us. Thanks to Mr. Hogan for letting us stay at his house and spending time in conversation with us. Thanks to Jenica's family, Gregory's family, and Leonie for coming to support each of us. Thanks to Halbert for investing so much time and love into our teams. Thanks to the Thailand team for being so fun! Thanks to God for continuing to make it clear that we are on the right path, because sometimes satan makes us wonder.