break down

I've been trying to catch up this weekend. So many wonderful things have happened the past week and a half, and a lot of really heartbreaking/frustrating things have also happened. To be honest I'm to frazzled to recall any of them, but I'm glad I experienced them. Last night I called one of the elders from my home church in Corpus to fill him in on our progress for leaving in January, which is not going to happen. Some might say, "now Tish, have some faith", but seriously, unless God miraculously transplants us there in January then it's not going to happen. When I say miraculously, I mean miraculously. Like walking on water miraculously. Anyway, he did not answer which was a bit of a relief and was really stressful all at the same time. I have been super stressed about talking to him, mainly because I have to say, "we're not ready". I'm ready to hear him say, "well, we're tired of waiting, you should be ready". What makes me feel this way? It's not anything he's said in the past, except for, "January is going to come quickly". I think that satan has taken that one little sentence and totally jacked my heart and my brain with it. We've been working on fundraising, citizenship, and visas for the past three+ months, but are not much further now than when we started. I am a go getter, and I feel like the fact that none of this is done is a poor reflection on me. Satan is using the way God made me to turn around and beat me down. I'm scared that this wonderful man of God and this wonderful church, who have always been nothing but encouraging, is going to desert us. I'm afraid that they are going to be disappointed in us. Disappointing people is what scares me more than anything else in the world. Just writing this is making me cry (for the second time in one day mind you, I think that's some sort of record). The screen is fuzzy through my tears, but I will press on!
So what have I been working on today? Well, I put together our little excel sheet showing who our ongoing and one time financial partners are. The list might be small, but it is an amazing reminder that there are people who agree that this journey is one that God alone has put us on. I'm grateful for those people. I also looked more in depth into money transfers from the U.S. to Australia, and wrote an email to XE.com asking them some questions. I wrote this ridiculously long email to a girl from Oklahoma who emailed me to ask what Matt and I will be doing in Australia. I probably scared that girl half to death, she's going to have to take a lunch break in the middle of reading the email because it's so long! I also talked with the man who is going to help us in our fundraising dinner on Friday night. He and his wife are going to be our hosts/MCs for the evening, it is very kind of them to help us out. That email correspondence led to the first wave of tears. He asked me what was expected of he and his wife on Friday, and while Matt and I have some ideas we did not have it totally figured out yet (this is the beginning of the whole letting people down thing...why haven't I been doing more to prepare?). I called our mentor Gary to get a better idea of what he's seen in the past. He gave me some wonderful ideas, and then I dropped the bomb that out of the twenty-ish invites we've sent out, only three people have RSVPd to say they are not coming. No one has said they are coming. Yeah, the tears came flooding through! I was trying to hold them back, and if I could have made it about thirty more seconds he never would have known. Yeah right, it's totally easy to tell when someone's crying on the phone, but I tried to fool myself. Since I was pretty confident that he could tell I was crying, I just let it all out. Deep gasps for air, snorting nose, the whole nine yards. I'd like to think he's used to it having a teenage daughter...let's hope so. Gary was very, very encouraging (as usual), and I managed to gain my composure. He said it will all be alright, which I do believe deep down inside. When I cry, it's not because I don't have hope and faith that this will happen. I cry because I have been giving my heart, my mind, and my time to things other than preparing to go. There are so many aspects of this journey that are only in God's hands, but there are a few that are totally in mine and I have let them slip right through. I'm so frustrated at myself for, I don't know, I guess being scared and therefore avoiding the tasks that have been set before me.
Everyone experiences trying to find the balance between what God calls us to trust Him to do and what He calls us to do ourselves, but I don't think people understand how much of a burden this is for people like me. Some people never really get what it feels like for your heart to feel like you have to keep EVERYTHING together even when your brain knows better. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, and every once in a while you can't keep it all together and you break down. That's me today...wave of tears number three. Now I'm sweaty and my nose is runny, but it is freeing. I'm sitting here breaking down before God, knowing that he will pick up these pieces and put them together like He does every time. Maybe this time though He'll leave out one of the little pieces that makes me feel like this all hinges on me. I'm tired of that feeling.