break down

I've been trying to catch up this weekend. So many wonderful things have happened the past week and a half, and a lot of really heartbreaking/frustrating things have also happened. To be honest I'm to frazzled to recall any of them, but I'm glad I experienced them. Last night I called one of the elders from my home church in Corpus to fill him in on our progress for leaving in January, which is not going to happen. Some might say, "now Tish, have some faith", but seriously, unless God miraculously transplants us there in January then it's not going to happen. When I say miraculously, I mean miraculously. Like walking on water miraculously. Anyway, he did not answer which was a bit of a relief and was really stressful all at the same time. I have been super stressed about talking to him, mainly because I have to say, "we're not ready". I'm ready to hear him say, "well, we're tired of waiting, you should be ready". What makes me feel this way? It's not anything he's said in the past, except for, "January is going to come quickly". I think that satan has taken that one little sentence and totally jacked my heart and my brain with it. We've been working on fundraising, citizenship, and visas for the past three+ months, but are not much further now than when we started. I am a go getter, and I feel like the fact that none of this is done is a poor reflection on me. Satan is using the way God made me to turn around and beat me down. I'm scared that this wonderful man of God and this wonderful church, who have always been nothing but encouraging, is going to desert us. I'm afraid that they are going to be disappointed in us. Disappointing people is what scares me more than anything else in the world. Just writing this is making me cry (for the second time in one day mind you, I think that's some sort of record). The screen is fuzzy through my tears, but I will press on!
So what have I been working on today? Well, I put together our little excel sheet showing who our ongoing and one time financial partners are. The list might be small, but it is an amazing reminder that there are people who agree that this journey is one that God alone has put us on. I'm grateful for those people. I also looked more in depth into money transfers from the U.S. to Australia, and wrote an email to XE.com asking them some questions. I wrote this ridiculously long email to a girl from Oklahoma who emailed me to ask what Matt and I will be doing in Australia. I probably scared that girl half to death, she's going to have to take a lunch break in the middle of reading the email because it's so long! I also talked with the man who is going to help us in our fundraising dinner on Friday night. He and his wife are going to be our hosts/MCs for the evening, it is very kind of them to help us out. That email correspondence led to the first wave of tears. He asked me what was expected of he and his wife on Friday, and while Matt and I have some ideas we did not have it totally figured out yet (this is the beginning of the whole letting people down thing...why haven't I been doing more to prepare?). I called our mentor Gary to get a better idea of what he's seen in the past. He gave me some wonderful ideas, and then I dropped the bomb that out of the twenty-ish invites we've sent out, only three people have RSVPd to say they are not coming. No one has said they are coming. Yeah, the tears came flooding through! I was trying to hold them back, and if I could have made it about thirty more seconds he never would have known. Yeah right, it's totally easy to tell when someone's crying on the phone, but I tried to fool myself. Since I was pretty confident that he could tell I was crying, I just let it all out. Deep gasps for air, snorting nose, the whole nine yards. I'd like to think he's used to it having a teenage daughter...let's hope so. Gary was very, very encouraging (as usual), and I managed to gain my composure. He said it will all be alright, which I do believe deep down inside. When I cry, it's not because I don't have hope and faith that this will happen. I cry because I have been giving my heart, my mind, and my time to things other than preparing to go. There are so many aspects of this journey that are only in God's hands, but there are a few that are totally in mine and I have let them slip right through. I'm so frustrated at myself for, I don't know, I guess being scared and therefore avoiding the tasks that have been set before me.
Everyone experiences trying to find the balance between what God calls us to trust Him to do and what He calls us to do ourselves, but I don't think people understand how much of a burden this is for people like me. Some people never really get what it feels like for your heart to feel like you have to keep EVERYTHING together even when your brain knows better. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, and every once in a while you can't keep it all together and you break down. That's me today...wave of tears number three. Now I'm sweaty and my nose is runny, but it is freeing. I'm sitting here breaking down before God, knowing that he will pick up these pieces and put them together like He does every time. Maybe this time though He'll leave out one of the little pieces that makes me feel like this all hinges on me. I'm tired of that feeling.

Thank goodness I'm young

So last Friday (like over a week ago, not four days ago) I left work and started my mission: to drive as much of the state, see as much of the family, and exhaust myself as much as possible. Okay, so I hoped to avoid the third one...but the first two are accurate. My sister, brother in law, and two nephews moved from Idaho to Bastrop (yipee!), last weekend, and I wanted to help them move into their new place. Keep in mind that I have not seen my nephews since last Christmas, so I was pretty eager to be with them! I left at 6:30ish on Friday night and got into Bastrop at 10:40ish. Not bad for a young lady on a Friday night, I was feeling good. I went to sleep immediately. My sister had put a futon mattress on the floor in the boys' room, and it was glorious. If you're wondering, futon mattresses are far more comfortable on the floor than on the chair. Saturday morning I woke up and started breaking down the many boxes my sister had already managed to empty the few days before. It was just the two of us and the boys in the house, because my bro in law, father, and uncle had left for Belton before I got up. They had to go get the rest of the "heavy" stuff. I would break down a few boxes, stop and read a chapter of Captain Underpants to the boys, and then break down a few more boxes. Around lunch time my sister and I took a Reader's Digest tour of the town, got lunch, and ran home with the boys. I then ate pizza, had a cup of coffee, and a slice of cake. After that I took a shower and left their house. I left at 3:15pm, so I was at my sister's for what, seventeen hours?
I left Bastrop for Carrollton, because my sister in law was having her ...th birthday party (she might not like me broadcasting it to the world) Her family and friends were going to be surrounding her, and I wanted to be there. The trip should have taken about four hours, but it rained the entire way! I'm not kidding, I might have had about five minutes with no rain. I can't complain though, a good bit of the state got rain that day! I got to Carrollton at about 8:30pm, just in time to see my sister in law blow out the candles on her beautiful birthday cake. My mother in law made it, and it was great! I ate dinner, chatted with my husband (who had driven in from Ballinger that same day, that's why we weren't together), had some cake, and tried to chill out a little. You should have seen my knuckles after driving through Dallas on a Friday night in the rain...it was interesting. The party was great, everyone left, and we went to sleep.
We got up Sunday morning for church. Matt and I were blessed to be able to spend some time with the missions committee at Farmer's Branch on Sunday morning after church, and tell them our story. Linda and Brett were very encouraging. We hope and pray that Farmer's Branch will be able to partner with us in one way or another, please pray about the possibilities that God will create! After church we met with some extended family for lunch, and then went back to Matt's sister's house to get our stuff packed up. We were there about eighteen hours. Matt and I left in separate cars toward home (that was a bummer). We got back into Abilene just in time to meet with our brothers and sisters in faith at our home gathering, which was great. I was tired, but I want to soak up every moment and special occasion with family that I can. Thank goodness I'm young, and thank goodness God gives me strength that is beyond measure.

Who has time for another story? This Saturday we were blessed by our friends Chris, Hasina, Stephanie, and The Brew coffee shop here in Abilene. The Brew offered to give our team a portion of their profits from 6-10pm on Saturday. We gathered, set up an information table, met people, drank coffee, played games, and had a blast! We ended up making a some money, telling people what God is doing in our lives, encouraging others that anything is possible, meeting new friends, and blessing the coffee shop with a very busy night. Thanks to everyone who played an important part in Saturday's events.